On Being Fair to Ourselves vs Others

Today I decided to prioritize myself and in doing so discovered an area where I've been stuck but can finally let go. 

I decided to skip today's family lunch. I've done this before, but usually because I don't have the energy  and today it was with more of a clear intention--to mindfully disconnect from the noise. I just can't with that shit today. Normally, I would just go, but today I took a stand on the issue. But I felt terrible about it...terrible about how it effects my husband. He is totally fine with it, and according to him, if he could get away with it, he wouldn't go, either. But I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was letting him down, or not being fair. I felt like a selfish jerk who was only thinking of her own comfort. So he left to go meet for lunch, and I stayed home and fretted over what a horrible person I was being.

But then I had a HUGE realization that I wasn't the one actually causing this situation. I wasn't the one who shows up just to pick on people, or the one who says mean things just to say them. I'm reacting to those things. I reminded myself that I'm not being difficult just to be difficult. It's okay to protect my own mental health! It's okay to decide to take a back seat as a reaction to a behavior. That I'm not the one "doing this to" my family--someone else is. 

So that weight lifted. But I'm still left with how to navigate the inevitable fallout as to why I'm not there today. Because that question will be asked. Normally, I make excuses--I have school work to do, I have a zoom meeting, I'm having lunch with a friend. But now I feel like that takes energy and it's disingenuous. Surviving on little white lies is how my husband deals with his family, but that doesn't have to be my way. In fact, I hate the way he holds news back, and tells half-truths to them, and agrees to things that he eventually backs out of, when he knew right off the bat that he wouldn't be doing them. I didn't grow up in a family that put so much work into saving face. I want to start being honest, to just admit that I can't handle this behavior these days. But the fallout from that would be far worse. So today is done, but what about tomorrow? I do NOT want to add anything more to my husband's plate, but how do I keep staying silent?

I realize I've spilled much (digital) ink in purging this story from my heart. It's decades in the making and I've fnially found my voice, so I'm dumping it all here. But going forward, I feel clean. I feel myself again. The person I was before. And I'm so grateful for that.