Stumbling Toward Enlightenment

I read recently that when you can't kindle your own inner light, look to others' light to gain the strength to rekindle your own. I've always envisioned this little flame inside my heart, a pilot light of sorts, and that during the times when my heart was full and life's flow was steady, that flame would roar into a fire like the ones we used to set at beach parties during college. Inversely, during those times in which fear ran high or grief was near, my flame would dim so low that it was hardly detectable at all. BUT--it was always there. My pilot light has never gone out, it's just become a matter of adjusting it to fit the circumstances. This is one of those times.  No matter how hard things have been--and 2020 has been a doozy--I've relied on what I've learned the last few years about digging deep and finding the fuel for that flame. Prayer, texts and calls with girlfriends, uplifting reading, finding my breath and practicing self-care--it's all for

Today I decided to prioritize myself and in doing so discovered an area where I've been stuck but can finally let go.  I decided to skip today's family lunch. I've done this before, but usually because I don't have the energy  and today it was with more of a clear intention--to mindfully disconnect from the noise. I just can't with that shit today. Normally, I would just go, but today I took a stand on the issue. But I felt terrible about it...terrible about how it effects my husband. He is totally fine with it, and according to him, if he could get away with it, he wouldn't go, either. But I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was letting him down, or not being fair. I felt like a selfish jerk who was only thinking of her own comfort. So he left to go meet for lunch, and I stayed home and fretted over what a horrible person I was being. But then I had a HUGE realization that I wasn't the one actually causing this situation. I wasn't the one who