Things will be so different this time around. As much as having Kiran was the best thing to ever happen to me, the circumstances were so difficult to overcome that I feel like I'm getting a second chance this time. Bringing Kiran home and beginning our lives together was exhilarating, but I can't help to look back on all the ways in which his birth was the hardest time of my life.
For one thing, I was still in the middle of tremendous grief, having lost my mom just six months prior. I mean, preggo hormones are bad enough without dealing with the shock of losing a mother and becoming a mother in such a short time. What compounded the loss was the fact that I was left in charge of cleaning out her house (my childhood home), settling her financial affairs (pain in the arse), and driving back and forth to Stockton by myself with a five-week-old to meet with estate lawyers--all in the first sweltering days of Stockton's early summer. Needless to say, I did a lot of nursing in parking lots along I-5, in law offices and any air-conditioned lobby I could find. Looking back, I realize how strong I had to be, not only to be dealing with the fourth trimester without a mom to guide me through, but to handle so much of the legal aftermath of her death just after giving birth. As long as I'm on this rant, I was also living in a 900 sq ft apartment with no air conditioning and no laundry machine. Suffice it to say, hearing other new moms actually complain about how hard the fourth trimester was, while their moms were doing their laundry and making them meals, made me want to punch something. I honestly don't know how I got through the summer of 2007.
Alright, enough of the pity pot. This time things are going to be Completely Different. Although the grief is still strangely fresh, I can handle it given the fact that I'm not actually faxing death certificates and canceling my mom's bank accounts. I'm in an actual house with a laundry machine, a/c, and a yard, for one. How great is that? I know what I'm doing this time and won't struggle through breastfeeding like I did with Kiran. I'm emotionally capable of telling my mother-in-law where the door is, and I actually know other moms that I can talk to if things are getting tough. I feel so much more capable of being a better mom this time than the last. While so many people say that their relationship was more relaxed with their second child, I feel like I'm getting a second chance at having a first.
My plan is simple. I'm going to spend the entire summer gazing into this little boy's eyes and leisurely nursing him in the comfort of my home instead of frantically driving to my hometown to settle paperwork or deal with probate crap. I'm not doing anything that my extended family is capable of doing themselves, and I'm not going to over-extend myself in any way. In other words, I'm going to burrow into my little nest for the summer and pamper my new little family, including myself. I am so grateful that this little boy will have my full attention, my groundedness, my sanity. This time will be different.
4 months ago