On giving yourself permission

I'm in a better space today, thanks to touching base with friends and with myself. I realize that I was holding onto anticipatory anxiety--that I was already bracing myself for the lift of the quarantine and the ensuing toxicity of forced interactions. I was preparing my energy to become defensive, protective, contained and suppressed (which is so against my nature). It is draining to come out of those interactions, and I was mentally girding myself to head back into battle. Sounds dramatic, I know, but that is what it feels like to deal with narcissism and another person's unresolved anger--it's exhausting! And in this particular situation, I am not the only one who has felt this over the years. The ripples of that locus of rage can be seen in my own distancing, sibling dysfunction, marital strife, fakeness of many kinds, kids, etc. But by all means, continue with the sarcasm, LAUGH, and have another drink.

So I gave myself permission to not just go back to business as usual after quarantine. Why would I do that to myself? It's okay to socially distance myself from those who demand my presence for appearances sake rather than enjoy my presence. It's okay to not be okay with interactions that aren't genuine, aren't constructive, aren't life-affirming. I give myself permission to cut the strings of obligation. I give myself permission to step back from a person who makes a job out of cutting people down with "jokes," I give myself permission to live within the circles that allow me to be myself--my unguarded, honest self.

If I had given myself this permission 10 or even 20 years ago, how different would things have been? While I definitely receded into the background in many ways, I didn't cut that string entirely because I've always wanted to allow that door to remain open, in case of positive change. So now, partially as a result of quarantine and the refreshing ability it's given me to have zero contact, I'm freeing myself. Because, why not? Like the oft-quoted expression, People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. The power is in your hands--the power to say Yes, and the power to say No. Now is the time for No.

Y todo cambia.