On using our experiences
I spent some time with a friend recently, and I went away from the experience not knowing what to think. She seemed restless, tired, snarky. She made some pointed comments to me, and almost seemed to be picking a fight, which is just not like her. I'd normally have dished back, or stood my ground on some of the points she seemed to be making. But then I thought of my students, especially the ones at the school that provides behavioral and emotional support for troubled kids. I thought of the phrase that I repeat to myself so often when one of them is in a particularly bad place: "They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time."
Something shifted in me, and I realized in that moment that my friend was overwhelmed. She was hurting. She was tired. She was still dealing with some unresolved grief, self-doubt, exhaustion from all those mom-hours. I understood her, because I had also felt this way before. In my case, I turned to the mom of one of my son's friends, and she reminded me of who I am, not who I am when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Most importantly (and this says a lot about the kind of person she is), she didn't compare her best to my worst. She helped me laugh again. She made me feel like a work in progress, not a failure as a human being. I recalled all of this in the space of a moment, and returned to my friend having decided to approach the situation with compassion rather than allow my own ego to take the wheel.
Allowing compassion to lead was effortless once I remembered feeling that way myself a couple of years ago. My heart broke for her, and my next step was to ask her if she was okay. That's when it poured out, that's when she let me in and reminded me of why we were friends in the first place. I knew her lashing out wasn't about me. It was about all of the places in her that hurt, and not knowing what to do with that hurt.
So this is a reminder to all of us--sometimes people who are acting out of character need to be checked on. It is a reminder to myself to remove my ego from the equation. To put down my arms and choose to act from a place of compassion rather than defensiveness. It takes courage to do this, I know. It is not easy to step aside from our own pride and allow someone their experience. These are one of the tiny things that I've learned this year that have had a huge impact on how I experience conflict in my relationships. 💕
Something shifted in me, and I realized in that moment that my friend was overwhelmed. She was hurting. She was tired. She was still dealing with some unresolved grief, self-doubt, exhaustion from all those mom-hours. I understood her, because I had also felt this way before. In my case, I turned to the mom of one of my son's friends, and she reminded me of who I am, not who I am when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Most importantly (and this says a lot about the kind of person she is), she didn't compare her best to my worst. She helped me laugh again. She made me feel like a work in progress, not a failure as a human being. I recalled all of this in the space of a moment, and returned to my friend having decided to approach the situation with compassion rather than allow my own ego to take the wheel.
Allowing compassion to lead was effortless once I remembered feeling that way myself a couple of years ago. My heart broke for her, and my next step was to ask her if she was okay. That's when it poured out, that's when she let me in and reminded me of why we were friends in the first place. I knew her lashing out wasn't about me. It was about all of the places in her that hurt, and not knowing what to do with that hurt.
So this is a reminder to all of us--sometimes people who are acting out of character need to be checked on. It is a reminder to myself to remove my ego from the equation. To put down my arms and choose to act from a place of compassion rather than defensiveness. It takes courage to do this, I know. It is not easy to step aside from our own pride and allow someone their experience. These are one of the tiny things that I've learned this year that have had a huge impact on how I experience conflict in my relationships. 💕
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