Bless & Release
If there is one phrase that would sum up what I've learned this year, it would be this: Bless and release. Reading over my past blog posts, I realize that I spent my 20s and 30s in a vulnerable space of fear and resentment. I was angry over being willfully misunderstood, and I was fiercely protective of my experience. Yet I couldn't speak on that experience, or share my pain, as it simply wasn't safe to do so. I very much lived in my story, and that story was the context of my life. I felt I had to explain myself to people, to tell them my story so that they could understand me. It came before me, and I never veered from it. But what a burden to carry! I've learned to consciously let go of those experiences and heal them from the present. To put down my weight and allow myself to live in a place undefined by past events or how lost I felt for so long. To let go of unhealthy attachments and see the world as a place where joy can live.
I've learned something from all that in which I can take with me into my 40s: I've learned to let go, to not hold so tight to trauma, to breathe and allow the light in. I am a forcer by nature. I force relationships at times, I force things to work a certain way, I force the world to conform to the way I think it should look. But upon beginning a new career path in teaching as well as getting to know some amazing new people, I've learned that those old ways of mine don't work. They never worked, and it's time I let them go. Now that I've made progress in those areas, I can truly say that this is the first year that I've ever felt fairly stress-free. Of course, the daily stresses of traffic and deadlines will always be there, but I'm not in crisis mode. For once, I'm not in crisis mode! Of course, that makes me want to worry that it's coming--but I can't let anxiety take me there again. I've lived and learned. Bless and release.
The other area that that taught me so much is making the effort for the first time in my life to say YES. I've said yes to events that I would have normally declined, I've said yes to meetups with new circles of friends, and I've said yes to new work opportunities that I never would have seen myself taking on a few years ago.
The result? I now count among my friends some incredible people that I never would have met otherwise. They are compassionate, adventurous, open, kind, fearless, and passionate women that make me want to do better and be better. I feel so much more rich for having them in my life. They see the best in me, not the worst, and their faith in me has made me want to strive to be a better human being. Our friendship is open and honest, and based on improving ourselves as people, not based on how perfect of a person I can prove myself to be to them. It's based on being real, being vulnerable, and being honest with one another. How fortunate am I. I don't deserve friends like them, and yet here they are.
So in essence, in opening myself up to new experiences rather than my old way of shutting down, I've expanded my heart. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes I clam up again, but I have a greater trust in myself and those around me than I ever did before. I'm able to let go of those pieces of myself which no longer serve in any positive way, which in turn allows me to accept that which brings joy with open hands.
I've learned something from all that in which I can take with me into my 40s: I've learned to let go, to not hold so tight to trauma, to breathe and allow the light in. I am a forcer by nature. I force relationships at times, I force things to work a certain way, I force the world to conform to the way I think it should look. But upon beginning a new career path in teaching as well as getting to know some amazing new people, I've learned that those old ways of mine don't work. They never worked, and it's time I let them go. Now that I've made progress in those areas, I can truly say that this is the first year that I've ever felt fairly stress-free. Of course, the daily stresses of traffic and deadlines will always be there, but I'm not in crisis mode. For once, I'm not in crisis mode! Of course, that makes me want to worry that it's coming--but I can't let anxiety take me there again. I've lived and learned. Bless and release.
The other area that that taught me so much is making the effort for the first time in my life to say YES. I've said yes to events that I would have normally declined, I've said yes to meetups with new circles of friends, and I've said yes to new work opportunities that I never would have seen myself taking on a few years ago.
The result? I now count among my friends some incredible people that I never would have met otherwise. They are compassionate, adventurous, open, kind, fearless, and passionate women that make me want to do better and be better. I feel so much more rich for having them in my life. They see the best in me, not the worst, and their faith in me has made me want to strive to be a better human being. Our friendship is open and honest, and based on improving ourselves as people, not based on how perfect of a person I can prove myself to be to them. It's based on being real, being vulnerable, and being honest with one another. How fortunate am I. I don't deserve friends like them, and yet here they are.
So in essence, in opening myself up to new experiences rather than my old way of shutting down, I've expanded my heart. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes I clam up again, but I have a greater trust in myself and those around me than I ever did before. I'm able to let go of those pieces of myself which no longer serve in any positive way, which in turn allows me to accept that which brings joy with open hands.
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