I always knew...
About a year ago, I had a dream that someone (angel? spirit guide?) whispered to me that there was a little boy waiting for me, and that as soon as I was ready for him, he was ready to come to me. We were still a good six months from deciding that we were ready for number two yet, so I hastily shelved the idea to the netherregions of my mind.
However, as crazy as this may sound, I always knew I would be the mom of two boys. It was a feeling I had deep inside, and when the ultrasound tech told me that there would be another little boy coming home with us, I couldn't stop the tears. Maybe it is because I grew up with so many women, perhaps it is because I just lost my mom and with her, a very complex mother-daughter relationship and am not sure I want to transfer over any of my issues to a daughter, perhaps it is because I am burned out on all the princess stuff out there, but whatever it is, it just feels right. It is strange, because so many of my acquaintances (not so much my friends, who know me well), assume that we'd want a girl, since we hadn't had one yet. But to be honest, a part of me breathed a big fat sigh of relief to hear the word "boy." I realized in that moment that I was actually afraid of having a girl, afraid of re-living so much of what I went through with my mom and afraid that a relationship with a daughter would never be able to compare to the love my mom and I shared. Whatever it was, I didn't realize it was there until we found out that we were safe with another boy. And for me, it is more about this particular soul and his place in our lives than it is about his gender. Kiran is so much more than just a male baby--he is a nurturing, compassionate, loving little boy--which is more than I can say for some women I've met! Seriously, though, I feel such a sense of sureness and rightness about this second son that I can't imagine wanting anyone else but him.
However, as crazy as this may sound, I always knew I would be the mom of two boys. It was a feeling I had deep inside, and when the ultrasound tech told me that there would be another little boy coming home with us, I couldn't stop the tears. Maybe it is because I grew up with so many women, perhaps it is because I just lost my mom and with her, a very complex mother-daughter relationship and am not sure I want to transfer over any of my issues to a daughter, perhaps it is because I am burned out on all the princess stuff out there, but whatever it is, it just feels right. It is strange, because so many of my acquaintances (not so much my friends, who know me well), assume that we'd want a girl, since we hadn't had one yet. But to be honest, a part of me breathed a big fat sigh of relief to hear the word "boy." I realized in that moment that I was actually afraid of having a girl, afraid of re-living so much of what I went through with my mom and afraid that a relationship with a daughter would never be able to compare to the love my mom and I shared. Whatever it was, I didn't realize it was there until we found out that we were safe with another boy. And for me, it is more about this particular soul and his place in our lives than it is about his gender. Kiran is so much more than just a male baby--he is a nurturing, compassionate, loving little boy--which is more than I can say for some women I've met! Seriously, though, I feel such a sense of sureness and rightness about this second son that I can't imagine wanting anyone else but him.
Comments