On the worst word in the English lanugage: Obligation

I happened upon this quote by Rachel Macy Stafford the other day (scroll down), and it literally took my breath away. I read it over a few times, digesting it, and felt a validation that I had never felt before. I wish so much that I could have read it 10, 15 years ago. (for more on the full back story, scroll back to my July 2020 posts...)

It spoke to the years I spent trying to please others, trying to fit in, trying to tread lightly and create harmony and weakly explain myself. All the while navigating my own survival amid my own family turmoil. Barely holding myself up while navigating the fallout from my parent's abrupt divorce, my mom's painful illness, my sibling's prison sentence, taking food to my cousin while he battled addiction all while I had to turn around and attend a function so far removed from what I had just witnessed and so lacking in basic concern that it still blows my mind--but I continued to go, to attend events with gifts for all, to hold my tongue, to apologize again and again for being late, for not attending the last event, for not dressing right, but I continued to show up and hang with people who don't even like me--not for myself, but out of respect for my husband. I didn't want to rock the boat by demanding that they understand my predicament. I was so worried about coming across as unlikeable that I strove to make others happy that I needn't have bothered with. A truth: If people have decided not to like you, nothing you do can change that. I was so foolish.   

But when I saw this quote--when I read the words that urged me to give myself permission to focus on my own wellness--BAM. While it makes me sad that I spent so long feeling like I needed to explain myself, and smilingly attend events where I was never truly seen, but rather challenged for not doing enough, all while my own family needed me back at home--yet there is still beauty in finding self-acceptance and freedom, however late it may come. For whatever reason, I felt the need to reassure everyone but myself, to allow others to steamroll me and still not be happy with what little I had to offer. So to look back and tell myself, Don't worry about what they think, don't feel obligated to do anything that takes time away from your precious mom, go home for the holidays and fuck their feelings and snide remarks--just be there with her.  Yet I couldn't get there. I couldn't not bend under the heavy weight of obligation, I couldn't say F it all, and hightail it home, so I spent year after year, holiday after holiday giving away that precious time, and for what? Never again will I de-prioritize my family in order to spend a single moment fulfilling an obligation only to make others happy--but not really happy. Never again.