Stumbling Toward Enlightenment

I spent some time with a friend recently, and I went away from the experience not knowing what to think. She seemed restless, tired, snarky. She made some pointed comments to me, and almost seemed to be picking a fight, which is just not like her. I'd normally have dished back, or stood my ground on some of the points she seemed to be making. But then I thought of my students, especially the ones at the school that provides behavioral and emotional support for troubled kids. I thought of the phrase that I repeat to myself so often when one of them is in a particularly bad place: " They're not giving you a hard time, they're having a hard time ." Something shifted in me, and I realized in that moment that my friend was overwhelmed. She was hurting. She was tired. She was still dealing with some unresolved grief, self-doubt, exhaustion from all those mom-hours. I understood her, because I had also felt this way before. In my case, I turned to the mom of one of my ...

If there is one phrase that would sum up what I've learned this year, it would be this: Bless and release. Reading over my past blog posts, I realize that I spent my 20s and 30s in a vulnerable space of fear and resentment. I was angry over being willfully misunderstood, and I was fiercely protective of my experience. Yet I couldn't speak on that experience, or share my pain, as it simply wasn't safe to do so. I very much lived in my story, and that story was the context of my life. I felt I had to explain myself to people, to tell them my story so that they could understand me. It came before me, and I never veered from it. But what a burden to carry! I've learned to consciously let go of those experiences and heal them from the present. To put down my weight and allow myself to live in a place undefined by past events or how lost I felt for so long. To let go of unhealthy attachments and see the world as a place where joy can live. I've learned something from al...

I've been doing a lot of writing lately in various forums (fora?), but I feel like I should maybe keep it all in one spot. I've also removed my blog link from all social media, so this will be my spot to write without a personal audience for the most part. Looking over my old posts from 5 years ago and remembering all those old emotions. 😥 Not reliving them, just remembering them. It's a good thing to be able to use my old writings in that way--I have friends who are in some of the places I was in those years ago, so I can so empathize with them. And that makes those experiences seem worth it if I can turn them into helping someone else. But now is time to turn a new page and see what's what, as my mom used to say! 😉

I just read this powerful article. It resonated with me, especially now, as I turn over in my mind what makes a person kind. I consider myself quite fortunate, as I've probably encountered two or three people in my adult life that I would describe as truly unkind. That is, lacking a basic compassion and care for others that I've always assumed is present at birth and either expanded or diminished according to one's life experiences. What I realize now, at almost 38 years old, is that there is a connection between kindness and hardship. Nearly everyone I know has experienced it: loss and its attending grief, illness, emotional pain, disability, health catastrophes, accidents, and the list goes on... For the few (very few) that I've encountered over the years that truly showed little to no compassion, empathy, or even basic kindness, they had one thing in common: they've ambled through their lives with no real bumps in the road. Not that life is perfect for anyone...

I can finally say that the month of May is not what it used to be. This weekend was my happiest Mother's Day to date, and I'll be silently wishing my Mom a happy birthday on the 18th in a happy-sad way, not a sad-sad way. I can't help but to think back in gratitude to how far I've come from my first Mother's Day--it was both my first as a mom and my first without my mom. What compounded the difficulty was how it was spent: At a Chinese restaurant in Moraga with my in-laws. No one mentioned my Mom. No one addressed the particularly bittersweet day or asked me how I was doing. In short, I gots no love. At the time, I didn't want to come off as me-me-me (that's what a blog is for, right?), and I didn't want to force anyone to acknowledge my pain. So I went, I remained polite, I listened to a speech about what a great day it was for my MIL, (hell, I even fended off a coupla pot-shots regarding my brand new parenting skills!) and I crumpled in an exhausted h...

I feel compelled to write because that's what I do when I'm anxious. And then I go to the gym and I sweat it out. My mind, like so many others, has been plagued with thoughts of the Newtown shootings. And while we try to make sense of the perfect storm that created this mess of a kid who would do such a thing, there are so many factors that I'm sure we'll be debating them for months or even years to come. But one thing I'm sure of--we live in a very, very angry world. There is anger everywhere--I encounter it on a daily basis. There is the lady who threw a fit the other day in my local post office because the line wasn't moving fast enough--complete with calling someone a "queer ass"--all the while wearing a Christmas sweater . A Christmas sweater, for goodness sake!!! And I'm sad to say that I've seen her type all over town. (yes, I'm about to stereotype...) Middle-aged White Christian women tearing down the street in their SUVs, latt...

I keep seeing these car stickers and their message irks me a bit. Perhaps you've never seen it, but it refers to a Christian-themed brand called "Not of this World". It is a Christian idea, this detached-from-the-world-living-in-God's-kingdom stuff. As a cradle Catholic, I completely disagree with this logic. Are we truly called to live our lives with our head in the clouds, proclaiming to others that our hearts and minds are in the heavens, all the while (let's be honest) partaking in all the human drama and emotions that define our lives? Nope. Is the point of life truly to detach oneself, in a ironically Buddhist sense, from the world that God has placed us in? Again, nope. In my opinion (this is my blog, after all), we should never seek to remove ourselves from our own human lives, but occupy them, touch others' lives, fully engage in the life that God gave us. What is the good in pretending like you're "not of this world," other than t...