Stumbling Toward Enlightenment

Yeah, you read that right. It just felt like something I needed to do.* I'm one of those grievers who doesn't care what the experts say is the normal time frame to grieve. And if someone tells me that it's been four years and that I should just get over it already, well, fuck 'em. If I need to spend a day talking to my mom out loud, I'll damn well do it. I'm not ashamed of looking like a crazy lady. Only now do I realize what my Nina told me in the days after my mom's death is true--that grief never really goes away. At the time she told me that, I thought, Well that sucks . My second thought was, That can't be true. All the books clearly state that grief has a one-year average shelf life. Four years out now, and I can attest to the fact that my Nina was right all along. It never really goes away, does it? It just burrows in deeper, settling into your heart like a kitten in a bed of newspapers. There are certainly days when I don't notice it as much-...

Back in February I wrote a bit about what I am sick and tired of as well as what I aspire to. I'm also questioning how much of what I put into my relationships is coming back to me whether I want it to or not. Personal accountability and all that. That was the beginning of what would be an emotionally exhausting time for me, and I'm trying to figure out how it all came apart and back together again. Recently someone told me about the Law of Attraction--that your thoughts create energy, and that energy pours forth into the universe and back again, bringing with it the culmination of your thoughts. Sounds a bit like Positive Psychology to me, or CBT, or even prayer--but whatever it is, it's worth a try. I'm re-reading my posts from this year, taking note of the themes (both good and bad), and trying my hand at some thought-energy-stuff. So the idea is that if I focus on a positive outcome, on healthy relationships, on creating a life that is a culmination of all I believ...

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of parent I am, and what kind of parent I'm trying to be. I second guess myself a lot, but mostly I feel like I'm on track as far as how my parents raised me and how much of that I want to pass on to my kids. For example: I had a conversation recently with parents that I'm merely acquainted with, and that live in a verrrry different community that I do. We're talking $5,000 a year they pay for preschool--a two-day-a-week preschool. I shit you not. And before I could bite my tongue, I laughed and said that my son's preschool is 100 bucks a month. The other parents just raised their eyebrows and didn't say much after that, and if they think I'm hopelessly middle class, well, I hope I am. Because what I'm hoping to pass on to my kids is a different measure of success. I don't want my kid to feel pressured to read by the age of four--I want him to develop a love of reading, period. I really don't th...

That's what I should change my handle to, really. I see the moms out there, jogging their strollers at 9 in the morning all energized, on their way home from the playground. And I hear that lots of moms go to the park daily (WTF?!?), and attend preschool readiness classes with their kids, and make sure to enroll junior in all sorts of activies early so they're not stuck on the waiting list. Good for them. Seriously--I wish I could be more like that. I, on the other hand, rarely leave the house before 10. I realize that is practically lunchtime for most people with little kids, and that it probably accounts for us having a hard time scheduling play dates, but I'm just too dang lazy. Perhaps I'm remiss in my mom duties--maybe I should be leaving the children's museum at noon instead of arriving at noon. And I should probably be putting the kids in bed at sunset like all the other kids in the neighborhood, but these guys are up until 9 and I just can't get my ac...

I really hate being sick. But I hate it even more when someone calls just to give me a hard time about not showing up for a party that I only found out about a few hours ago. And said person just can't understand why I don't want to go to a kid's pool party and just 'lay down and rest there.' WTF?!?! Seriously? When I can just, let's see--STAY HOME on my couch and drink tea and soup and take care of my effing self like a sick person is supposed to do?!? You're giving me attitude like I'm doing something WRONG in being home sick? Again, I ask--W.T.F. This is what I'm dealing with, folks. It just never ends.

A new season! Lord how I love a fresh new season. I'm not generally a summer person, yet there are so many things that I do appreciate about it. Biting into sun-warmed fruit fresh right off the tree; saying hello to the hummingbirds while I sip my morning coffee on the patio; the rainbow mist of a backyard sprinkler; the mildly warm evenings that lure my neighbors out for walks; putting various fruits and veggies in my salads; dozing in the sun with a mindless bestseller; road trips. I've been in a between-season funk lately but the longer days are finally giving me the jump start I need.

Well, that wasn't very charitable of me, but a woman can only take so much. Previous post removed--it's not like I used names, but ya never know.